Tonight was one of those nights that you don’t see an epic meltdown coming until it’s right there in your face. I’m not talking about my kids, it was ME. 34 week pregnant me.
I was feeling pretty uncomfortable and exhausted all day, so really it shouldn’t have been a surprise when one moment I decided I needed a bath at 11:00 at night and the next moment I got out to find my clothes, only to find myself face down in the covers sobbing because I was so tired and nauseous. Haha! Tired and nauseous are a daily occurrence, so not sure why it set me on the sob train this time, but it did. I knew that I was going to throw up, so I walked over to the toilet and there it came. And what also came was the pee from the bladder I didn’t know had anything in it. So I cried harder. As I stood there bum-naked, throwing up, sobbing my eyes out, and peeing the floor, I thought how hilariously pathetic I’m sure it would all look to an outsider. And also thought how glad I am that Clorox is one of my besties. After all, you’d think it would take someone mighty talented to do all those things at once. Turns out, it just takes someone mighty pregnant.
“What lead me to this lowly state!?” I thought! And then as I sorted out my emotional self, I realized that there are so many FEELINGS that come with the last few weeks of pregnancy! So ready to be done, but desperate to soak it all in. So much to do, but so little energy to do it. So many feelings and apparently not enough ways to express them adequately other than a big ugly cry. Hahaha.
Being on my 5th baby, I feel like I know the emotions of what “not being pregnant” anymore will feel like. It’s a mixture of both elation and emptiness. No matter how miserable it feels now with the puking, heartburn, aches, and exhaustion, there will be a day–probably about 6 days after birth–where the hormones hit the floor and I will be sobbing just because I’m “not pregnant anymore.” It’s quite hilarious that you can feel so awful, but also so grateful and powerful while pregnant, but still just down-in-the-dumps miserable and still long for it within days after giving birth! How do I know this?
Here is exhibit A:
I took this photo 6 days after having our 4th baby. I needed to get out and we needed food, so we went to Costco! Leggings and a giant pad in tow, I was ready for some adventure and normalcy! On the way, I broke. I knew what was happening, though. I knew that it was the hormone monster inhabiting my body, and I knew from previous experiences that it would go away. I knew these things, so naturally I took a picture to remember it.;) I was full of the baby blues and longing for pregnancy. Did I not remember that I was still puking my guts out 6 days prior? I did. But in that hormonal monster state, nothing makes sense and the feelings are REAL. So, I suppose my point in all of this is that the feelings you feel during and after pregnancy are normal. Do they feel freakin’ insane and confusing? Yep. Do they make you wonder who in the H invaded your body and made you this emotional wreck of a person when you’re usually so “normal?” Yep. And do they confuse the heck out of everyone in your path? Oh yeah. So that’s why I’m here to tell you, “Don’t fret.” Things do go back to normal, and even though I’m going into having this baby soon with the same anxieties as all the others, I can at least say that I know these dorky things called hormones are there to serve a purpose even when they make you feel like a psycho. So, carry on, cute Mama. And know if you’re naked, puking, sobbing, and peeing the floor all at the same time one of those exhausting nights of pregnancy, you’re not alone. You’re not alone.
XO
Sarah